you got a fast car... and I got a plan to get us out of here

A paper box with scribbled words stares at me from it's pedistal like the dishes from the counter, expectantly. "Words... more words" it nags. Yes, yes. I will.California is calling with a vengance. You can't just leave her- not after a lifetime. She stays. She embeds herself in your blood and you feel at every moment just how far you are from her. And I do long for her.Ratiug calls to me as well, and I don't answer. Delilah and Bella stare at me when I enter the room and as I walk by them to the bed. They stare at me in the early mornings when I walk by them again to leave for work. Then they go about their daily lives I'm sure. I'm neither in their minds nor hearts once I pass from view. I neglect them like the dishes which still glare as I type; like the laundry which I climb over with more and more effort as it piles ever higher.Everywhere I look there is more that I abuse and neglect. I say I care- but I waste and ignore and gorge myself on all that I know is wrong. I prefer to sit over standing. I prefer to driver over walking. Stairs are daunting when the time comes to go to bed and the couch looks more and more inviting. Motivation, I say! Motivation is lacking- and I am suffocating.
So what? I lie and complain and type out my angst? No. no. I won't reduce myself further. I'll stand and scrub and sort and scat and sing my heart out in the car on my way to work. I'll wash and work and will not reast until my mind is completely cleaned out- all the cobwebs irraticated... or at least relocated. It's odd and disheartening when inspiration turns to depression. When awe becomes angst. It never fails. The strongest emotions and urges shift poles and swing me 'round in spirals 'till I'm seasick and want to stop this world and rest for a while. But a slip of a green apron card into the pocket of my green apron has picked me up in a way the sender cannot comprehend- and so I have an up to work on. So I will not rest... but first I'll get some sleep.
There's a big day coming. I am terrified.