...Maybe I DO Know What I'm Looking For...

I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I hold faith that I’ll find it. All I want is music, really. I want to own it like so many others seem to. Some people are born with a talent for it, others have to struggle at every turn. I wish it came as naturally to me as breathing, as sculpting. It hovers just out of my grasp. So, since I can’t reach it, I search for something bigger. Better. I want it all, I think to myself. I want everything. I want to be good at everything, to be rich, to be talented beyond belief. I want people to flock to me, and to love me unconditionally. No. I don’t really. It’s too simple that way. It’s a lazy excuse to be melancholy. What I really want is to feel that I belong. That is the most I could hope to achieve with any of it. After all, even if I had everything in the world, if I didn’t feel like I was meant to be there and meant to have it, I’d be no better off than I am now. So I want to have a home to rest my head. I’m tired of feeling out of place with the world. It has been such a long time since I could rest, really rest, and I’m weary. I keep moving on, trying to find that missing piece, but each time I arrive somewhere new, I realize that it’s not there. I can feel it deep down. I think to myself, I love it here, but I haven’t changed a bit. And I feel that I have to change, but it’s hard when I’m struggling so. First, I think, I’ll focus on the money aspect of things, then I’ll focus on the metamorphoses. I don’t want to owe anything to anyone, as a rule. It’s a hopeless feeling, knowing that I’m not free in that sense. When I know that I owe something, I feel like I can’t rest. I feel guilty; and each time I have to spend money instead of paying it back, I feel like a thief and a beggar. A rootless tree, that’s what I want to be: able to stretch myself toward the heavens, but without a tangle of foothold to keep me down. I know that I’d also lose my anchor, and my support to weather the storms, but I want it nonetheless. I can only hope that I’ll be strong enough to pick myself back up if that’s the direction that my life takes. But I always hope for simplicity. I want to get my innocence back. I want my childhood, when I’d lie, sprawled on my back, confidently awaiting sleep and the endless possibilities of dreams. I want that feeling back: that I really can be anything, do anything, without the endless worries of trying to budget my every resource to achieve the semblance of aspiration. I can do it, I know I can. I just need a clean slate. Give me a few months- then watch out! I’m going to show the world just how incessantly optimistic I can be. I won’t give up and I won’t listen to anyone who tells me I’m not good enough. I’m the best there ever was. I’m just too broke to show it... for now. Each time I arrive somewhere new I have these same thoughts. Now, I think to myself, now I can really get things moving. Now I’ll show the world who I can be. This time I’ll make it work. It has never worked; but for some reason, my hope never dissipates. So now, at this moment I find myself in a new place again, feeling a bit overwhelmed, and a bit careworn, and a bit helpless: but still hopeful. Am I naive? Maybe. But it’s a beautiful way to live, if you think about it. Here’s what I intend to do. I intend to kick my ass into gear. I intend to go without until I’m out of debt. It’ll take some time, I know. But I can manage until then. I will not beg, but I will accept help, because I am not below it. I deserve comfort, and I’ll take it where I can. I will create one more budget to construct a realistic timeline so I’ll be able to see the progress as it comes about. Then, once I’m out of debt and my slate is clean (a place where I certainly will get to, I guarantee it) I’ll start living life the way I think it should be lived. I’ll look for a cheap place to live, I’ll eat organic and recycle frequently. I’ll go on adventures whenever time permits to climb mountains and hike trails. I’ll buy a tent and use my sleeping bag in its natural habitat. I’ll buy a mattress and have a bed… a real bed! I’ll spoil myself with Kombucha and raw foods… maybe save up for some of that green machine and a blender of my own. I’ll learn to skateboard and start taking guitar lessons again. I’ll save up for my citizenship and for some language courses. Eventually I’ll go back to school and get degrees in mathematics and education. I’ll have tan legs again by this point and I’ll spoil myself with board shorts and calf length skirts! I’ll buy some barrettes for my hair! I’ll be healthy, happy, and pretty once more! I’ll live every day with that childlike enthusiasm that I am groping for in these dimly lit times! This time there is no stopping me. I am on a mission. Watch out! I’m about to show the world just how incessantly optimistic I can be. I won’t give up and I won’t listen to anyone who tells me I’m not good enough. I’m the best there ever was. I’m just too broke to show it… for now. ; D

Clutter

There are a few things on my mind lately. Firstly, the thought always in the background of my mind, I’m a bit lonely. It’s been almost five months since I last saw my parents and I miss them; and though visited almost everyone I know in the last few months, I miss them, too.
Also on my mind of late is charity. I finished a series of hands for a charity auction and my fingertips hurt from the effort; but I feel hugely accomplished. I’ve never met Nick, the cousin of my coworker, Tiffany, but I find myself hoping with all my heart that he gets the valve-replacement surgery he needs to be healthy. It’s times like these that I wish I believed in God- mostly so that I could put my faith in that higher power to put things “right” as I see it. However, I have no such faith. Instead I believe in people and the capacity to do the right thing. Therefore, I pray to the people at the auction tomorrow to be generous with their donations. I also pray to the heart-surgeons out there, for one of them to open their hearts [pun intended] and do Nick’s surgery for free since the small company-employed man doesn’t have health insurance. I pray with all my heart. <3
Yesterday I talked on the phone with my brother, Joseph, for the first time in a few months. He gave me the hard news that Jamie’s mother fell and broke her hip and isn’t doing very well. (For those of you that don’t know, Jamie is my dad’s best friend since high school; and his mother is like a second mother to my dad.) Jamie’s mum is in Canada and Jamie is in California. Unfortunately, Jamie’s residency status is a bit rocky, so if he goes to see his mother, he may not be able to return to the states. Also unfortunate is the fact that Jamie still works for Cetec, the software company that my parents (used to) work for that hasn’t been paying for months. This means that Jamie has no funds for a trip back to Canada. My father, apparently, is trying to give Jamie the money and company he would need for the trip; unfortunately, my father doesn’t have a lot of money right now, either. My brother told me that he, personally, lent my dad $2,500 for the trip… but that it probably won’t be enough in the end. He told me to do everything in my power to call in old loans and to settle my own debts. My parents are doing better, he says, but definitely not well enough. Now comes the time in my life where I have to put others before myself, and allocate the majority of my forthcoming paychecks to repaying my parents.
I just realized that my car insurance payment is due in two weeks… and I haven’t set the money aside yet. I’ll be able to pay it, but I won’t be able to give my parents the money I had anticipated to just yet. : (
All things in time, I suppose.
I digress. During the conversation with my brother, he mentioned a few really amazing websites that I am super excited about. The first, www.kiva.org, fits in with the charity theme. It’s a website that allows you to lend out money to entrepreneurial people all over the world who need a hand. The minimum allocation is $25, but they pay it all back over time and you can either donate it to Kiva, or have them put it into an account for you so you can loan it out again. I lent $25 to a fisherman in Cambodia. He is raising money to build a basement for his house to store bamboo and fish for his business. I elected to have the money set aside for me when he pays it back so that I can lend it out again. I feel like, this way, I’m not losing anything, but I’m helping people nonetheless.
The other things on my mind are various and random. At the top of the list is education. I can’t afford to go back to school right now, and I know I couldn’t settle down to do it in a formal manner anyway. Joseph gave me two websites for free education. The first is from MIT and offers a wide variety of free classes (video, assignments, quizzes, etc.) with no need to sign up or pay anything. It’s http://ocw.mit.edu and it has all sorts of goodies including, my favorite, Calculus. X D The second website is equally as exciting. It’s www.livemocha.com and it’s a free language teaching website. You create an account describing which language you speak and which you’d like to learn and, while you take your lessons, you also check and correct the work of people trying to learn your language. It’s amazing. I’m so excited. I feel like I can master French and learn more Italian with this website… as well as any other languages that cross my mind. I’m going to send a link to Justin, the linguist friend of Gwen from Virginia. I think he’d get a lot out of it, too. : ) There goes more charity. : D
As always, music circulates at the foreground of my thoughts pretty much 24/7. One of the guys I work with here, John (who is FANTASTIC by the way) is in a band called The Gromet. He gave me a free copy of his first CD and I bought his recently released second CD. He’s having a CD release party on June 5th which is the day after I return from San Diego for Bushwalla’s second CD release party. Irony? No, probably not, but cool nevertheless. I’ll be leaving Denver on the second, driving all day (18hrs), spending the 3rd at the party and generally just chilling, then driving all day the 4th to be back in time for The Gromet and work on the 5th. Then, in July, I have another musical road trip planned to visit my family band, The Lucky Machetes, at a music festival to perhaps rent a booth and sell some carvings. Hurray for music and road trips! They’re all I need in this world!
My mind seems a bit more organized now. Just as full… but things are in their appropriate places. Now, it being Mother’s Day, I will call my wonderfully fantastic mother to tell her all about how much I love her. : )
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there! One day, I hope to walk in your shoes. Until then I’ll savour the silence and selfishness that having-no-children brings.
Love Joan

I am proud.

I don’t take political stances often. I tend to do what I always do in the face of debate; I keep my head down and pretend I don’t exist. I’m not much for conflict, but the law recently passed in Arizona caught my attention. I don’t know if it’s because I used to live there or if it’s my recurring sense of moral obligation to change the world, but I feel like I have something to say.
There was a law passed recently which basically takes Arizona’s clenched fist on immigration, and squeezes ad nauseum.
I am an immigrant. I am a legal immigrant, but an immigrant nonetheless. My family moved to this country when I was a baby, so I was raised here and I love it as much as I love the country to which I’m native. I have a friend whose family has lived in New Mexico for generations. She was born and raised in the United States. So was her mother. So was her grandmother. Her great grandparents were from Mexico, and immigrated legally into this ethnically hostile country in hopes of prosperity. They found it, but is it good enough if their offspring aren’t looked upon with respect and equality?
If both she and I took a trip to Arizona right now, I would have absolutely no problems whatsoever. She has a very high chance of being stopped by authorities and asked for identification. She may have her license in her purse, sure, but who do you know that carries their Passport and Birth Certificate with them at all times? Her citizenship may be questioned. She may be fined. She may be detained. Why? Because she’s dark, because she looks Mexican. Her blood may be Mexican, her genetics may give her brown skin and dark hair, but she was born in the United States of America to native born American citizens.
This law that was passed basically declares that police have the authority and the obligation to determine the identity of any individuals who “look illegal.” That is, if they see a person who looks or acts in such a way that calls into question the validity of their presence on US soil, the officer must stop them and check their papers to ensure that they haven’t entered the country illegally. Tell me, how exactly does one “look illegal?” Simply but looking Mexican, that’s how. It’s absolutely outrageous if you think about it. It’s racist and unethical- and completely legal. That needs to change NOW.
I’m tired of being ashamed of myself. And I do feel ashamed sometimes: ashamed of being white and middle class, with parents who are still married and in love, with a decent upbringing in (mostly) safe neighborhoods. I got white picket fences and a dog (well, the fences were grey) and all around me are people who got the short end of the stick their whole lives. Who deals the sticks in this country? The white middle class and upper class. Picture an American Bureaucrat. It’s a balding, sweaty, fat white man with manicured nails and a trophy wife and 2.5 kids. They probably have a Golden Retriever named Sandy and a tuxedo kitten named Mittens. I know people like that. They’re friends of the family. It sickens me, sometimes, to think that someone may think of my family that way. I am not the colour of my skin. My family never owned slaves. We never turned in our Japanese neighbors in WWII to be sent to camps. We never gossiped about the new family in town because they were colored. I was raised to be tolerant and accepting, but sometimes I’m ashamed because I had to be raised to be tolerant in the midst of non-tolerance. I want to make a stand, for once in my life, for something I believe in, something that matters. THIS matters. So I signed petitions today that were sent to the white house and various government officials in Arizona. I signed my name and made my voice heard. It was only one signature, but every voice matters. I’m proud of myself today. I’m not the white girl from the suburban, middle class family. Today I’m the activist who made a stand. I’m bringing it up to people, because people can’t form opinions about issues if they don’t know the issues exist. I’m posting on facebook and talking to my coworkers- just casually in passing, but the responses have been rewarding. I’m proud of myself today.
www.change.org