...Maybe I DO Know What I'm Looking For...

I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I hold faith that I’ll find it. All I want is music, really. I want to own it like so many others seem to. Some people are born with a talent for it, others have to struggle at every turn. I wish it came as naturally to me as breathing, as sculpting. It hovers just out of my grasp. So, since I can’t reach it, I search for something bigger. Better. I want it all, I think to myself. I want everything. I want to be good at everything, to be rich, to be talented beyond belief. I want people to flock to me, and to love me unconditionally. No. I don’t really. It’s too simple that way. It’s a lazy excuse to be melancholy. What I really want is to feel that I belong. That is the most I could hope to achieve with any of it. After all, even if I had everything in the world, if I didn’t feel like I was meant to be there and meant to have it, I’d be no better off than I am now. So I want to have a home to rest my head. I’m tired of feeling out of place with the world. It has been such a long time since I could rest, really rest, and I’m weary. I keep moving on, trying to find that missing piece, but each time I arrive somewhere new, I realize that it’s not there. I can feel it deep down. I think to myself, I love it here, but I haven’t changed a bit. And I feel that I have to change, but it’s hard when I’m struggling so. First, I think, I’ll focus on the money aspect of things, then I’ll focus on the metamorphoses. I don’t want to owe anything to anyone, as a rule. It’s a hopeless feeling, knowing that I’m not free in that sense. When I know that I owe something, I feel like I can’t rest. I feel guilty; and each time I have to spend money instead of paying it back, I feel like a thief and a beggar. A rootless tree, that’s what I want to be: able to stretch myself toward the heavens, but without a tangle of foothold to keep me down. I know that I’d also lose my anchor, and my support to weather the storms, but I want it nonetheless. I can only hope that I’ll be strong enough to pick myself back up if that’s the direction that my life takes. But I always hope for simplicity. I want to get my innocence back. I want my childhood, when I’d lie, sprawled on my back, confidently awaiting sleep and the endless possibilities of dreams. I want that feeling back: that I really can be anything, do anything, without the endless worries of trying to budget my every resource to achieve the semblance of aspiration. I can do it, I know I can. I just need a clean slate. Give me a few months- then watch out! I’m going to show the world just how incessantly optimistic I can be. I won’t give up and I won’t listen to anyone who tells me I’m not good enough. I’m the best there ever was. I’m just too broke to show it... for now. Each time I arrive somewhere new I have these same thoughts. Now, I think to myself, now I can really get things moving. Now I’ll show the world who I can be. This time I’ll make it work. It has never worked; but for some reason, my hope never dissipates. So now, at this moment I find myself in a new place again, feeling a bit overwhelmed, and a bit careworn, and a bit helpless: but still hopeful. Am I naive? Maybe. But it’s a beautiful way to live, if you think about it. Here’s what I intend to do. I intend to kick my ass into gear. I intend to go without until I’m out of debt. It’ll take some time, I know. But I can manage until then. I will not beg, but I will accept help, because I am not below it. I deserve comfort, and I’ll take it where I can. I will create one more budget to construct a realistic timeline so I’ll be able to see the progress as it comes about. Then, once I’m out of debt and my slate is clean (a place where I certainly will get to, I guarantee it) I’ll start living life the way I think it should be lived. I’ll look for a cheap place to live, I’ll eat organic and recycle frequently. I’ll go on adventures whenever time permits to climb mountains and hike trails. I’ll buy a tent and use my sleeping bag in its natural habitat. I’ll buy a mattress and have a bed… a real bed! I’ll spoil myself with Kombucha and raw foods… maybe save up for some of that green machine and a blender of my own. I’ll learn to skateboard and start taking guitar lessons again. I’ll save up for my citizenship and for some language courses. Eventually I’ll go back to school and get degrees in mathematics and education. I’ll have tan legs again by this point and I’ll spoil myself with board shorts and calf length skirts! I’ll buy some barrettes for my hair! I’ll be healthy, happy, and pretty once more! I’ll live every day with that childlike enthusiasm that I am groping for in these dimly lit times! This time there is no stopping me. I am on a mission. Watch out! I’m about to show the world just how incessantly optimistic I can be. I won’t give up and I won’t listen to anyone who tells me I’m not good enough. I’m the best there ever was. I’m just too broke to show it… for now. ; D