Acceptance and Moving On

You know, I think we had a good talk just now. You think that I'm broken and that you know how to fix me. You give me tips.
I know that I'm broken, but I'm happy anyway, and I've already done everything that you suggest. You refuse to admit that what I've done is the same as what you suggested I should do.
I think, after having our conversation, and you ending it with the simple dismissal that I wasn't ready to have that talk yet, you really just showed me that you're broken, too. But you're unhappy. So you're trying to fix me in hopes of fixing yourself, however subconsciously.
I know that I can't move around forever, but moving around is what I want to do right now. I even made a list. And I'm not going to stop until I've checked off every item on that list. Not just because it's something to do, either, but to prove to myself that I can finish a task I've started.
You said I have to face my fears, but I have so many fears, I have to face them one at a time. There's no possible way I could face them all at once.
I was afraid to be away from home.
Now I'm not even afraid to be homeless.
I was afraid to fall.
Now I'm not even afraid to jump.
I was afraid to be lost.
Now I'm not even afraid to have no destination.
I was afraid to be alone.
Now I'm not even afraid to pick up and leave.

Now I'm afraid to get too close to people,
but I have friends all over the country whom I love and who love me. I have boundaries now which I never had before. I once let people walk all over me and mistook it for affection. I'm wiser now- and so with that wisdom came distance.
This distance is the phase I know I'll get over one day. One day I'll fall in love with someone who loves me back and I'll open my heart- but not before I've found a person who can truly compliment everything I am. One day I'll find a place where I feel at home again; where driving the same streets to work everyday won't get boring and I'll no longer feel burning curiosity as to what lies beyond the horizon. When I've seen the world and found the place where I belong, then and only then will I stop moving around. You know why? Because I finally discovered my own worth, and I'm worth the best of everything. I deserve to live in the perfect place. I deserve to have the best friends. I deserve to be loved wholly and entirely. I will not settle for less.
This is my fear: to settle for less than I am worth.
I feel like it's a decent fear to have, and one which everyone should embrace. If there's one thing I feel people should be terrified of, it's leaving life un-lived.

So far, I am proud of what I have accomplished. I've battled and beaten down depression without the numbing facade of pills. I've overcome addiction and have fought through cravings and won. I've broken bad habits. I've made plans and stuck to them. I've been through hard times and come out stronger. I've made new best friends in every corner of the country. I've fallen in love too many times to count. Most importantly, I've learned how to love mySELF.

I'm sorry that you feel as though you are fighting a losing battle to "fix" me. The thing you must realize is that you cannot fix anyone but yourself. I may be broken, but I've been piecing myself back together for so long that it won't be too long until I'm all together and shining like new. My cracked frame in the mirror does not scare me.
Like I said, I love myself, even broken as I am.

I'm sorry that you feel as though I have to fix her, too. I can't do that. Only she can. I tried to fix her for a long time and I only ended up hurting both of us. All you can do is let go. Move on.

You think I ignore the worse sides of me, that I cover my scars or am ashamed of them. I wish I could tell you just how wrong you are. There is a conversation I must have with our parents first, I wouldn't want them to hear any other way. Perhaps this is incentive. My scars are the foundation of my life. They helped to shape me into the beautiful, wonderful person I am today, and I am so proud to bear them.

I wish you were easier to talk to. I wish you wouldn't judge me so much. You don't think that you do... but you do. I think there's a lot you deny about yourself. I hope that you find yourself. I want you to be happy. I want that even more than I want you to be proud of me. I realize now that I want you to love and accept yourself so much more than I want you to love and accept me.

Unfortunately, this is a conversation that you're not ready to have with me. You get so defensive and angry so fast- so quick to point blame and boast superior knowledge. Your ego gets in the way of our relationship.
It's okay.
One day maybe you'll read this and realize that I don't need you to help me find myself. I know who I am. Like I said. I know exactly who I am, I just don't know where I'm going.

And I'm okay with that. You should be, too.
But you won't be, not yet. You'll read this a shake your head. You'll click your tongue and think to yourself how naive I am, how lost- and without even realizing it. You'll want to shake me, you'll be so frustrated. You'll want to yell that I'm destroying my life, that I'll end up just like Nonna, lost and hopeless.

What you can't understand is that I'm happier than I've ever been. I've found the secret to sustainable personal happiness. You think it'll end and I'll be miserable, but I've already been miserable and pulled myself out of it once, I can do it again. I have faith in myself. I intend to be happy until the day I die, whenever that may be. I think I finally have my priorities just right, and with every word I type, I grow more confident in that fact. I move around the country because I want to see it, and a few years ago I decided that you can't get the feel for an area in a day or a week. You have to live there, experience the day to day and get to know people in order to truly understand it. So instead of a road trip in which I would visit every state, I devised a longer trip. At least three months in each area. So that's what I'm doing, and it's been the adventure of a lifetime. I'm almost finished, too:
Washington, New Hampshire, Canada, and Italy. These are the places I want to live, now, while I'm young.
I'll drive a truck to save up money to get across the ocean. I'll live in our house in Italy, figuring something out for work, I'll know Italian by then so it'll be easier. I'll travel Europe from there on week-long trips or something. From there, if I choose to, I'll make my way East to India and Bangladesh. Maybe I'll end up in Japan and Australia. But I have my whole life to visit those places... I'm not too desperate to get there immediately.
Canada will be beautiful. I'll probably be there for at least a year. I want to experience every season. Something in me tells me I might end up there in the long run. That doesn't scare me at all. And at the same time, my whole life is open to rapid change and random planning, which makes me even happier.

I am so happy.

I'm happy to the point that, even when I get sad, I'm happy about it, because I love my ability to feel emotion. I feel so strongly and it's one of my best qualities.

I feel such love for you, and I feel such sorrow that you can't be happy for me in my happiness because you can't understand it.

I hope so strongly that changes, but even if it doesn't I'll still love you

and be happy.