Will a rainbow break if it bends?

I had a blog planned out about the personification of curtains. It was going to be funny and cute and slightly poetic... or so I hoped. But my mood is no longer funny and cute. I'm at home- which is difficult at the moment. It's hard to stay here, but it's a roof over my head and I feel badly about relying so much on Malyssa's parents. They've been more than generous about lending me their spare bed...
Considering how hard it is to stay in the same house as my parents, I don't know if I'll be able to last two or three weeks with them in Canada- crammed into a car with them , then with Joseph and Jennifer for days on end. Don't get me wrong. I want to see my relatives with all my heart, but I'm afraid that I won't be in the spirit of things and feelings will be hurt more than anything. Of course, feelings will be hurt if I don't go as well... and I have to try to figure out whether they'll be hurt more or less than if I ride along. Staying there on my own is out. I can't afford a motel and I don't want to impose on my Grandmother. If I stay longer I will have to work at the local Starbucks. It's only two miles away so I figured I'd walk or buy a bike. I can deal with the weather thing. But I know my Nonna will be worried about me if I walk... and will be inconvenienced if she has to drive me. She'll feel obligated to take care of me although I don't need it, and it will put her out that I won't want it.
So if I go to Canada it is with everyone else. I'm back in the sardine can.
I don't think I can do it in the end. When I sit here and consider all of the options and reprocussions, I think it would be better for everyone if I just didn't go. I can always go later on in the year... it's not too expensive for a round-trip plane ticket, and I'm sure my family will be happy to put me up for a week or two, maybe Malyssa as well. Also the car will be less crowded, there will be fewer people to feed and house, considering a possible hotel stay or two. I understand that it is Christmas- and I am taking that into account. I think it will be better to keep my negative energy away from the spirit of the holidays this year... the last thing I want is to hurt anybody. In other, simpler words, I don't think I'm going to go.
This will be my first Christmas alone.
On the positive side it will give me more time to work so I'll be able to save more money by March... or maybe be able to leave in February instead? Just thought I'd throw that notion out there... even though I have been having reality checks lately. They're similar to second thoughts... without the threat of plan cancellation. I AM GOING. There is no doubt in my mind. The reality checks are more along the lines of Oh God I'm actually doing this.
The west coast is calling me. I hear it night and day... every minute I'm awake, sometimes even in my dreams. Have you ever wanted something so badly that you ached for it? I'm aching through and through, like I ache for air late at night when I wake up with a rock on my chest, like my stomach aches for nutrients after two or three days of marked-out bagels or croissants.
San Diego is my medicine, my nourishment, and I'm sick and hungry now.

My final dillema: Come the end of January, my Nonna is moving in with us. This means that when I leave later on, I'm not only leaving my parents, but her as well. This means infinite more guilt. This means I may have to tell my parents before my Nonna moves in so they can be more prepared to explain it to her and make excuses for me so she won't worry. This means I'll be telling my parents before the end of January... this means that, if I leave in March as planned, my parents will have more two months to make me feel like a terrible person for wanting to leave and break my poor grandmother's heart etc. etc.
This makes me want to leave in January... but that can't happen.
At least I'll have the luxury by staying home this winter, to be able to pick up and leave whenever I have to come February... be it when planned or before.
This makes things a bit difficult with Malyssa because I have to give her enough time to tell her parents, too. It may mean leaving my house and moving in with her for a while. But then her parents will hate me for putting the idea and means of leaving into their baby's hands.

GAH! Will I be hurting everyone by trying to do something I need to do?? Will I be dissapointing both of my families (for they are now as good as my family and I care for them as such)??

Now comes the fun part. Telling my parents I won't go on their little cruise come February, and I won't go on their road trip come Christmas.

Why does doing what I want hurt SO much? :' (

I need this... just this for now.

It’s time to concentrate. It’s time to write; to sit down for one fucking second and focus on something. Am I angry? I had no idea… I am overwhelmed. There are too many things going on right now… I can’t make sense of things. I need to leave… I need to go now but I can’t afford it. I just need to be gone from this place. Dinner tomorrow will be awkward… I know it. I haven’t spent more than an hour with my family in the past week. I don’t know how I’ll survive an entire meal. My father asked me how school was going tonight. I panicked inside. I said what I usually say… school is school. It’s going… well… it’s just going… and no, I won’t have my scholarship anymore… but I want to take next semester off for sure. I’m burnt out. And I am. I’m fizzling- running out of energy to spend on dealing with things. I’m bottling up so much on top of everything else I’ve ever bottled up… but I’m running out of room and I can feel the pressure tightening in my chest. I’ll explode. I know I will and it will not be pleasant. It will probably be at work. It’ll be an exciting scenario I can assure you. I’ll get incredibly frustrated because the store will be a mess and I’ll be the only one trying to actually do my job because I just happen to be the only one there who needs it. Fuck being passionate about coffee… I NEED Starbucks with every part of me. Of course no one in the world knows or understands how much I really need that place… so my frustration will reach its peak when I finally can’t cope with how much my co-workers abuse the store and our necessary working groove. I’ll demand a break at which point I’ll storm to the back room having a mini panic attack. My boss of the moment will probably follow me back there and ask what’s going on. This is the part where I’ll snap. “Nothing! Nothing’s going on except for the fact that I can’t go home because I can’t talk to my parents because I can’t tell them that not only have I lost my scholarship, but I’ve dropped out of school and am giving away everything I’ve ever loved, not out of charity, but because it won’t all fit in my car when I drive away in just a few months, and I can’t even look at them because I feel like they’ll see it in my eyes so I just don’t go home and I’m working my ass of to earn the money that I need to get the fuck out of here but no matter how hard I work I don’t get a single note of recognition or appreciation or support so I can’t stand being here anymore- and I would drive away right fucking now but I don’t have enough money so I’m stuck in a place that makes me feel like I’m suffocating and I can’t go home and I can’t leave and my mother wants to have an innocent little kitten put to sleep because she doesn’t think it’ll have a quality of life and I think it will so I want to take it with me when I go but the kitten might not have as much time as I need to get the money to go so I’m fighting my job, my family, and time itself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But no worries… nothings fucking wrong! *rips out hair*

At this point I’ll probably be sent home… but then I won’t want to go home, will I?
So I’ll drive around, contemplate leaving sooner, scream a little, things like that. Then, when I do get home I’ll lock myself in my room and fiddle with my funds sheet until I see that I can leave in February instead of March. Then I’ll call Malyssa and rant for a while and tell her the new plan. And there’s another thing, another person to worry about. It’ll be me, her, my cat, her cat, my dog, maybe another cat, and two rats in my shabby little car for a week. Then it’ll be my income until she gets a job and I can do it, I know I can. I don’t want to put anymore pressure on her because I know this was all my idea, but GGAAHHHHH. I HATE MONEY. Then there’s the car. This thing has 140,000 miles on it, needs an oil change, a couple new tires, new wiring in the dashboard, and maybe some new belts in the engine, and I want to drive it across the country??? Who am I kidding???? And if it can’t make it I’m supposed to take two or three cats, and a dog, and two rats onto an airplane??? I can’t rent a car, I’m not old enough. And what about once we get there… what If I can’t get a decent place because of the animals? I can’t give them up… that would defeat most of my reason for leaving… not to mention existence itself. And what if I don’t have enough money in the end? And what if the job won’t transfer? And what if I realize I can’t make it on my own? And what if something happens to one of us there or on the way? What if we take the car and it dies in Texas or something. We’d be fine if it was just me and Malyssa… but with all those animals??? GGAAAHHHHHHH a-fucking-gain! What have I gotten myself into??????
But I can’t not do it. I can’t stay here, I’ll die. I can feel myself decomposing already. Everyday I spend here is taking one away from the end of my life. Dramatic, I know. But I have to get this out somehow. God forbid I let something slip in the real world too soon. I have to keep a smile on my face for at LEAST two more months. I have to get through December and into January because I have to be okay throughout our trip to Canada this winter. AND OH MY GOD WE’RE GOING TO BE DRIVING THE WHOLE WAY!! I’ll be locked in a careening metal box with my parents for days soon to be joined by my brother and his girlfriend during the holiday season- which we all know is the most tense one of all! People plaster on fake smiles and try to be cheery but feelings get hurt more often than not and I can’t even try to imaging what the traffic’s going to be like and it might be snowing and my mother hates highways and my brother hate’s my father’s driving and I can’t stand anyone anymore and GGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH with the fires of a thousand suns!!!!!!!!!!!!


I feel better already… *slams head against wall*

umm...

So I'm an idiot. My work clothes are in the drier because I can't stay up any longer... but my other clothes are back in the wash because I completely forgot to put laundry detergent in the first load. I'm a friggen genius right? Okay... now bed.

Wasting time...

Bobbing my head to a jazzy number
I wish you could see it. It's a funny thing. I pout my lips like I do when I like how something feels in my ears. I not only nod my head... up down up down... but every once in a while in the groove I switch it up to side-to-side. Occasionally the chill is too much and my legs, which splay to the sides as I straddle this footstool, move of their own accord and extend my bobbage to my entire body and I literally feel the beat. It is quite enjoyable. I'm liking the vibe.

So I have twenty minutes until my laundry is ready to be plopped into the dryer. Yes, I realize it is after midnight and I work at five... that's not the point. The point is I need a clean ensemble.
Now I find myself wondering... was it Friday's or Saturday's that we need to wear our new seasonal tees? hmm... I'm sure it's Saturday's. Problem solved. Maybe I'll take it with me just in case.
Ramble ramble wasting time.

Mmm... another good song. I need to learn these. They're incredible. "won't you waste my time?" FUNNY!!! That song came on after I started writing all of this about the time wastage. I'm laughing on the inside right now.
Ha! Tristan Prettyman is Mrs. Dash!! (just kidding)
You see? This is what I'm reduced to when I spend so much time with people. I run out of fun stories and I have to be spontaneous with my humor...

ready yet?

... 12 more minutes... BLAST!

I need to be gone. I'm going to be ready to go next week... then I'm going to have to wait it out until March. How am I supposed to survive???? I'm impatient. I want to go tomorrow. All I have to do is pack up my clothes and throw everything I have piled up against my wall into the back of my car and GO GO speed racer! But noooo I have to wait until I have the moooneey. PSH! Gypsies don't need stinking money! (and that's what I've decided I am)

I'm sure it doesn't help that Malyssa and I are planning out all of the tiniest details now. "You know we're going to fight, right?... this is what I'm most likely to get pissed off about. You?"
"Okay... so the dog will be on my lap, I'm sure she won't stay anywhere else calmly, and you'll try to handle the cats... maybe we can squeeze the rats in at your feet... yea they'll fit but it'll be a tight squeeze. It'd be so much quicker if you only had your license!!! lol.

w/e

ready now??

How has it only been four minutes????!!!
ugh.
Well... I'm going to go do something else. . . I don't know what, but it'll sure as hell get done! : D



sorry for wasting your time while attempting to waste my own.

A Duo of Heartstring Jerkers

Cute AND pathetic... a dangerous combination. I find myself overlooking the fact that I already have a dog and a cat and a few small animals when it comes to these two... Thumper particularly. These kittens are the most incredible two of all that I've fostered. They- along with their other two brothers- survived pan-leukopenia... a usually fatal disease, and now, as a result of it, they have the cat version of cerebral palsy. They're normal kittens in every respect but balance and it makes me want to keep them forever. I guess I'm just afraid that no one will be able to give them the love and attention they deserve because they're special.

Pumpkin Time

Kind of like hammer-time... but with less hammers and more pumpkins.

Here's what I've done so far! : )

10/07/07

10/11/07- You might recognize these hands as being Jason Mraz's... then again... you may not. I was going for the "This is what I look like today" thing. It was quite an experience. More to come!!

Tick Tock Tick

I'm feeling utterly weighed down by this place; by the fact that my home is so silent and akward and I'm that little girl again- when it's finally her time at dinner to talk about her day at school, everyone starts to get up and clear the dinner table around her. I feel invisible. It's killing me. I dream about San Diego, about walking five miles a day with my asthma and bad hips and enjoying every step. I dream about the cafe, about the comic book store, about the flowers lining the side of the road by that car dealership and how soft their petals were. Yes, I dream about Mr. Mraz, it's inevitable. His music has affected me like no other as of yet. He was the one who brought me to San Diego in the first place, and has brought words back to my fingertips. But I think what he represents in my dreams is that feeling of peace I found at the idea of leaving here, if only for a little while, to where no one knew me.

I want that peace back with all my heart. I have a feeling that the sky imploded in that one dream because of my apprehension to the thought of going back to find it dull and worn like the walls around me now. I'm afraid of being hurt- again. But I want it, need it. I need to go back. It's in my blood, there's no avoiding it.

So I've started a savings account and will be tucking away what I can, little by little, so by the time I've finished with school I can just pack up and go.

...

just three more years... just three more years... *sigh*