It’s time to concentrate. It’s time to write; to sit down for one fucking second and focus on something. Am I angry? I had no idea… I am overwhelmed. There are too many things going on right now… I can’t make sense of things. I need to leave… I need to go now but I can’t afford it. I just need to be gone from this place. Dinner tomorrow will be awkward… I know it. I haven’t spent more than an hour with my family in the past week. I don’t know how I’ll survive an entire meal. My father asked me how school was going tonight. I panicked inside. I said what I usually say… school is school. It’s going… well… it’s just going… and no, I won’t have my scholarship anymore… but I want to take next semester off for sure. I’m burnt out. And I am. I’m fizzling- running out of energy to spend on dealing with things. I’m bottling up so much on top of everything else I’ve ever bottled up… but I’m running out of room and I can feel the pressure tightening in my chest. I’ll explode. I know I will and it will not be pleasant. It will probably be at work. It’ll be an exciting scenario I can assure you. I’ll get incredibly frustrated because the store will be a mess and I’ll be the only one trying to actually do my job because I just happen to be the only one there who needs it. Fuck being passionate about coffee… I NEED Starbucks with every part of me. Of course no one in the world knows or understands how much I really need that place… so my frustration will reach its peak when I finally can’t cope with how much my co-workers abuse the store and our necessary working groove. I’ll demand a break at which point I’ll storm to the back room having a mini panic attack. My boss of the moment will probably follow me back there and ask what’s going on. This is the part where I’ll snap. “Nothing! Nothing’s going on except for the fact that I can’t go home because I can’t talk to my parents because I can’t tell them that not only have I lost my scholarship, but I’ve dropped out of school and am giving away everything I’ve ever loved, not out of charity, but because it won’t all fit in my car when I drive away in just a few months, and I can’t even look at them because I feel like they’ll see it in my eyes so I just don’t go home and I’m working my ass of to earn the money that I need to get the fuck out of here but no matter how hard I work I don’t get a single note of recognition or appreciation or support so I can’t stand being here anymore- and I would drive away right fucking now but I don’t have enough money so I’m stuck in a place that makes me feel like I’m suffocating and I can’t go home and I can’t leave and my mother wants to have an innocent little kitten put to sleep because she doesn’t think it’ll have a quality of life and I think it will so I want to take it with me when I go but the kitten might not have as much time as I need to get the money to go so I’m fighting my job, my family, and time itself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But no worries… nothings fucking wrong! *rips out hair*
At this point I’ll probably be sent home… but then I won’t want to go home, will I?
So I’ll drive around, contemplate leaving sooner, scream a little, things like that. Then, when I do get home I’ll lock myself in my room and fiddle with my funds sheet until I see that I can leave in February instead of March. Then I’ll call Malyssa and rant for a while and tell her the new plan. And there’s another thing, another person to worry about. It’ll be me, her, my cat, her cat, my dog, maybe another cat, and two rats in my shabby little car for a week. Then it’ll be my income until she gets a job and I can do it, I know I can. I don’t want to put anymore pressure on her because I know this was all my idea, but GGAAHHHHH. I HATE MONEY. Then there’s the car. This thing has 140,000 miles on it, needs an oil change, a couple new tires, new wiring in the dashboard, and maybe some new belts in the engine, and I want to drive it across the country??? Who am I kidding???? And if it can’t make it I’m supposed to take two or three cats, and a dog, and two rats onto an airplane??? I can’t rent a car, I’m not old enough. And what about once we get there… what If I can’t get a decent place because of the animals? I can’t give them up… that would defeat most of my reason for leaving… not to mention existence itself. And what if I don’t have enough money in the end? And what if the job won’t transfer? And what if I realize I can’t make it on my own? And what if something happens to one of us there or on the way? What if we take the car and it dies in Texas or something. We’d be fine if it was just me and Malyssa… but with all those animals??? GGAAAHHHHHHH a-fucking-gain! What have I gotten myself into??????
But I can’t not do it. I can’t stay here, I’ll die. I can feel myself decomposing already. Everyday I spend here is taking one away from the end of my life. Dramatic, I know. But I have to get this out somehow. God forbid I let something slip in the real world too soon. I have to keep a smile on my face for at LEAST two more months. I have to get through December and into January because I have to be okay throughout our trip to Canada this winter. AND OH MY GOD WE’RE GOING TO BE DRIVING THE WHOLE WAY!! I’ll be locked in a careening metal box with my parents for days soon to be joined by my brother and his girlfriend during the holiday season- which we all know is the most tense one of all! People plaster on fake smiles and try to be cheery but feelings get hurt more often than not and I can’t even try to imaging what the traffic’s going to be like and it might be snowing and my mother hates highways and my brother hate’s my father’s driving and I can’t stand anyone anymore and GGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH with the fires of a thousand suns!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel better already… *slams head against wall*
At this point I’ll probably be sent home… but then I won’t want to go home, will I?
So I’ll drive around, contemplate leaving sooner, scream a little, things like that. Then, when I do get home I’ll lock myself in my room and fiddle with my funds sheet until I see that I can leave in February instead of March. Then I’ll call Malyssa and rant for a while and tell her the new plan. And there’s another thing, another person to worry about. It’ll be me, her, my cat, her cat, my dog, maybe another cat, and two rats in my shabby little car for a week. Then it’ll be my income until she gets a job and I can do it, I know I can. I don’t want to put anymore pressure on her because I know this was all my idea, but GGAAHHHHH. I HATE MONEY. Then there’s the car. This thing has 140,000 miles on it, needs an oil change, a couple new tires, new wiring in the dashboard, and maybe some new belts in the engine, and I want to drive it across the country??? Who am I kidding???? And if it can’t make it I’m supposed to take two or three cats, and a dog, and two rats onto an airplane??? I can’t rent a car, I’m not old enough. And what about once we get there… what If I can’t get a decent place because of the animals? I can’t give them up… that would defeat most of my reason for leaving… not to mention existence itself. And what if I don’t have enough money in the end? And what if the job won’t transfer? And what if I realize I can’t make it on my own? And what if something happens to one of us there or on the way? What if we take the car and it dies in Texas or something. We’d be fine if it was just me and Malyssa… but with all those animals??? GGAAAHHHHHHH a-fucking-gain! What have I gotten myself into??????
But I can’t not do it. I can’t stay here, I’ll die. I can feel myself decomposing already. Everyday I spend here is taking one away from the end of my life. Dramatic, I know. But I have to get this out somehow. God forbid I let something slip in the real world too soon. I have to keep a smile on my face for at LEAST two more months. I have to get through December and into January because I have to be okay throughout our trip to Canada this winter. AND OH MY GOD WE’RE GOING TO BE DRIVING THE WHOLE WAY!! I’ll be locked in a careening metal box with my parents for days soon to be joined by my brother and his girlfriend during the holiday season- which we all know is the most tense one of all! People plaster on fake smiles and try to be cheery but feelings get hurt more often than not and I can’t even try to imaging what the traffic’s going to be like and it might be snowing and my mother hates highways and my brother hate’s my father’s driving and I can’t stand anyone anymore and GGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH with the fires of a thousand suns!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel better already… *slams head against wall*
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