Perhaps a bit hasty...

After giving my situation considerable more thought, and nearly bursting into tears a few times at work, I have decided I may have been a bit hasty. I did consider all of my options, but not for long enough. I know now that I can't stay home this winter. I need my family more now than I ever have. I will need support soon, and I won't get it if I close myself up. So I'll take the days I've requested off and drive with my parents to Canada. While I'm there I'll pretend like everything is okay, and maybe I'll convince myself, too. Hell... maybe it will be. Who knows.
I'll keep my mouth shut on the ride there and back so as to avoid... well, to avoid talking. And I won't let there be any fighting. So what if my brother and I both want to drive- I won't push it, I'll have plenty of time for that later. I doubt we'll fight much, though- he'll be wrapped up in his girlfriend. If space is too tight once we pick them up, whatever. It'll only be a few hours until we reach Ottawa from Boston. I think the perks of seeing my cousins outweigh the downfall of the trip there. Also, I found out my Grandmother is only staying with us for a few weeks. If she's coming at the end of January then she's here with us through February. This means that by March she's back in Canada, safe from my irrational plans. No I won't be leaving before March; the 14th is the best day to go, it feels right for both of us, and I won't have to tell my parents before my Nonna comes after all. I feel a bit calmer about things. In simpler terms, I think I'll go this winter. Besides, it was the thought of being alone on Christmas that nearly made me sob over my Caramel Macchiatos and Peppermint Mochas.

Speaking of work, we're doing a secret santa. Guess who I got. That's right... the one guy who I find pretty spiffy. I'll be honest. I found out who had him and I traded. <<

What? That makes me a terrible person or something? I think it makes me human or some other excuse. Goway leme alone...

So I'm getting him custom guitar picks for his band... and a groovy new strap for his guitar... (maybe I'll keep that one- I'm already over the $25 budget anyway ; P). So that should be super. I really shouldn't do this to myself, especially with my impending move... *<--masochist*

Speaking of masochism... I had dinner with my parents tonight. It wasn't half bad honestly, not too many akward moments. My father didn't mention school or work at all, so that issue was avoided. He did, however, ask me a few days ago if I was still going to school. I did one of those uncomfortable scoffs as I was running upstairs and added an Of Course. I felt terrible. But then I'm one of those masochists who believes in self-preservation. Contradictory, I know, but the pain and the sorrow are only soothing when I inflict them upon myself, ergo guilt trips and anger from my father are NOT a nice thing ever at all in no way shape or form.

My GOD do I love this song! Anna Nalick has to be my favorite female singer... and Catalyst is amazingly similar to everything I'm feeling right now. That and Paper Bag... but that's a completely different topic.

Speaking of God, I lost it again. That feeling I had when I wrote that blog seemingly so long ago... I lost it and can't get it back. Eventually I'm sure that I'll find new inspiration and everything will make sense again- but the fact that the feeling comes and goes in of itself makes me doubt it all the more. Quite paradoxical...

Speaking of paper bags... I found some in the pantry. I think I should make puppets out of them like in Kindergarten.

Speaking of puppets, I feel like I am one. Everything I have to do and want to do and am currently doing is one more string. But all the strings are pulling me in different directions and I'm getting tangled into a jumbled puppet mess.

BREAK FREE!!

I will... I will. Just a few more months and I will fly, fly away to a neverland of my own where I never have to pretend or hide who I am.

Just try to make me grow up, I dare you.

And on that note, I've begun to write more, poetry that is. I'm working on another "words" poem which is no big surprise considering how I love them so.
Give me words, make them dance
make them sway, here's your chance
to make me fall, make me enthralled,
make them heard, give me words.
Give me words, make them fly... etc.
a work in progress. I started it in my head last night as I was trying to... Oh man! Last night SUCKED! It was terrible. I went to bed at midnight, not so bad for having to be up at 4:30. But I couldn't fall asleep. I lay there for all four and a half hours staring at the inside of my eyelids wishing to be unconscious. I tossed and turned, turned on and off various lights and sounds in my room, but all to no avail. Come four-thirty am my alarm rang out and my thoughts were a jumble of Fuck! and Finally! The strangest thing was that I was exhausted and I would start to drift off but would bounce back in almost a state of heart-racing panic similar to the panic of oh man I'm late for work... but without the oh man I'm late for work part. So work sucked because I was in a state of semi-consciousness all day. I hope it won't happen again tonight... : (

And that brings me to my last three points.
1. I wish I wrote better.
2. I can't wait for the next Dexter!!!
3. I have to go to bed now.

In closing, BBBBBBLLLLEEEAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH.