sooo.... tired...

but sleep won't come.


am i apprehensive? stressed? too exhausted to fall asleep? afterall- falling into anything seems like it would take far too much energy right now...

sooo.... ti...r

What's on your mind?

Well I love her
And she's leaving
She met a man that plays in a band last weekend
And he lives out on the west coast
And she says shes got to go
Cause it's a long, long way from Myrtle Beach to L.A.
Anything could change her mind,
One sunset or one regret
She could turn around, come back and be mine
Happy endings happen all the time
She's almost finished packing
There's over 2,000 miles
Alot could happen
Theres going to be days and days of long stretches
Maybe she'll come back to her senses
Cause it's a long, long way from Myrtle Beach to L.A.
Anything could change her mind
One sunset or one regret
She could turn around, come back and be mine
Happy endings happen all the time
Well I ain't waiting on no phone call
I ain't getting my hopes up and all
I ain't setting myself up for a fall
It's a long, long way from Myrtle Beach to L.A.
Anything could change her mind
One sunset or one regret
She could turn around, come back and be mine
Then everything would be just fine
Yea happy endings happen all the time
It's a long, long way from Myrtle Beach to L.A.

California's burning, burning, burning to the ground...and my head is turning, turning, turning round and round...alie's stomach's churning, churning, like a storm today...and your mother's crying, crying, closing up the safe...and I'm here, wondering where the sun has gone...driving through to Mexico,asking why there's no one home...Encinitas likes to miss me, like nobody's child..and my eyes like rainy Tuesdays, like to watch you smile...and I'm here, wondering where the sun has gone...driving through a Midwest storm,asking why there's no one home...

I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight
On a bed of California stars
I'd like to lay my weary bones tonight
On a bed of California stars
I'd love to feel
Your hand touching mine
And tell me why I must keep working on
Yes I'd give my life
To lay my head tonight on a bed
Of California stars I
'd like to dream
My troubles all away
On a bed of California stars

Christmas break of ninety eight just flipped me upside down
One coast out to the other following the sound
Headed west to get the best of what we all knew then
One ocean to another waves come crashing down
Carrying just me and Stephanie she held my hand
Told me why I was
Blazing down that highway on my way to
Rock Star Land
California, a place they say glistens gold.
I wanna go there and never come back home, yeah.
Staring up at freeway signs in dreams that make me sad
One coast out to the other
One ocean to another
We cruised out to the other side
Loved us in Nebraska how they cheered us in Mattane
Told me why I was
Blazing down that highway on my way to
Rock Star Land
California, a place they say glistens gold.
I wanna go there and never come back home, yeah.

everybody got out of the water
in a lonesome convertible
with lipstick portables
you're part horrible (you're part horrible)
you're part affordable (you're part affordable)
... to san diego
was i seeing you or seeing double
with the palm trees adorable
in a town so explorable
you're part horrible (you're part horrible)
you're part affordable (you're part affordable)
you're part horrible (you're part horrible)
and that's why we drove to san diego

So at last southern California
Sun sets like a long goodbye
I've been dreaming about it for days
But I don't ask why
I can feel it in my bones
I'm a careless season it started just the other day
And what'd you expectT
hat just for no reason I packed it in and drove away
Now I don't mean to pin this one on you, darlin'
It's time I found something good
When it comes right down
You're just one of many people that never really understood
So at last southern California
Sun sets like a long goodbye
I've been dreaming about it for days
But I don't ask why
As I drove into a city painted on the desert
With everthing 10 miles high
Hard to believe that nobody will see what I see
Through my blood shot eyes
Now I don't mean to sound so young and naive
But I think we've found something good,
And now I can feel me leaving who I used to be
As we're driving into Hollywood
So at last southern California
Sun sets like a long goodbye
I've been dreaming about it for days
But I don't ask why
So at last southern California
Sun sets like a long goodbye
I've been dreaming about it for days
And now I know why
I can feel it in my bones
I'm a careless season it started when I woke today
And now that I'm here
It's all so very clear
The reason that I drove away
Now I don't mean to call so early now, darlin'
But the waves just feel so good
And I'll always come around
And watch the sun go down
Just like you knew I would
So at last southern California
Sun sets like a long goodbye
I've been dreaming about it for days
But I don't ask why
So at last southern California
Sun sets like a long goodbye
I've been dreaming about it for days
And now I know why

Hundreds of songs about it... there must be a good reason... see for yourself... http://www.answers.com/topic/list-of-songs-about-california?cat=entertainment


It's times like these
that I want to get away
Times when the houses no longer
bleed into the sky...
but the days do seem to bleed
into one another.
And when each scar is parallel to the one before...
No, I don't think you do understand-
there are no overstatements here.
I will keep this grudge like I
"kept" that photo we took
that day
last June.
Too soon I will drive away from this
personal wreckage.
Too soon I will forget your name
and your face.
Too soon, after two days, and two days, and two more,
I drive away
with the wind at my back
and in my hair
with my ease
in the seat beside me.
No agenda,
no distractions-
just miles of highway in both directions
on recycled tires;
a circle of life new age style:
rubber to road,
the pedal to the metal.
And I will wake with the sun if I so choose-
not to make him his secret pre-dawn pick-me-up
(a quad espresso macchiato)
but to hang with him in this sky
on these lazy winter days.
I will smile on all those who I see
I'll eat nothing but bagels for weeks and weeks
living from day to day
penny to penny.
From here to there.
From this Starbucks cafe in wind blown Orlando...
To the Hot Monkey Love cafe in downtown San Diego to see
Bushwalla sing
Ghettoblaster
and Self Depricating Hip Hop.
Throw in a friendly face, barely recognisable after all these years
and off I'll flow
down the road.
Look,
there I go.

make-believe that i've titled this and put in the proper capitalization

Let's pretend there's a rant here that's a couple paragraphs long. It's angry and frustrated and there are a lot of capital letters. It talks about everything that needs to be gotten off of my chest and everything that's making me stare appathetically at this screen right now.
Let's pretend that I have now completed writing this very long very soothing blog and I can now sleep soundly and tomorrow will be okay. Afterall... things can't get much worse, can they? Oh wait, that's what I thought yesterday... then today happened.
Nevermind.
Let's just cross our fingers and hope and skip the tiring technicalities. I can barely stay conscious as it is...
Here's a pretend thanks for sitting through this long and complicated rant. I'm pretending to feel better having pretended to get all that crap off of my chest.
Here's to tonight being almost over and tomorrow only being 24 hours long.
cheers

Here's another one for ya, hun

mmm... insomnia. <333

you got a fast car... and I got a plan to get us out of here

A paper box with scribbled words stares at me from it's pedistal like the dishes from the counter, expectantly. "Words... more words" it nags. Yes, yes. I will.California is calling with a vengance. You can't just leave her- not after a lifetime. She stays. She embeds herself in your blood and you feel at every moment just how far you are from her. And I do long for her.Ratiug calls to me as well, and I don't answer. Delilah and Bella stare at me when I enter the room and as I walk by them to the bed. They stare at me in the early mornings when I walk by them again to leave for work. Then they go about their daily lives I'm sure. I'm neither in their minds nor hearts once I pass from view. I neglect them like the dishes which still glare as I type; like the laundry which I climb over with more and more effort as it piles ever higher.Everywhere I look there is more that I abuse and neglect. I say I care- but I waste and ignore and gorge myself on all that I know is wrong. I prefer to sit over standing. I prefer to driver over walking. Stairs are daunting when the time comes to go to bed and the couch looks more and more inviting. Motivation, I say! Motivation is lacking- and I am suffocating.
So what? I lie and complain and type out my angst? No. no. I won't reduce myself further. I'll stand and scrub and sort and scat and sing my heart out in the car on my way to work. I'll wash and work and will not reast until my mind is completely cleaned out- all the cobwebs irraticated... or at least relocated. It's odd and disheartening when inspiration turns to depression. When awe becomes angst. It never fails. The strongest emotions and urges shift poles and swing me 'round in spirals 'till I'm seasick and want to stop this world and rest for a while. But a slip of a green apron card into the pocket of my green apron has picked me up in a way the sender cannot comprehend- and so I have an up to work on. So I will not rest... but first I'll get some sleep.
There's a big day coming. I am terrified.

Playing...

So I was fooling around on my computer and I discovered that I have an awesome photo editing program... so I fooled around with that.

I probably shouldn't be up at all considering the opening shift tomorrow and the S palace... *I just made that up...*

But I figure it's for a good cause... LOVE! (for a friend)

Hope you like it hun!

Perhaps a bit hasty...

After giving my situation considerable more thought, and nearly bursting into tears a few times at work, I have decided I may have been a bit hasty. I did consider all of my options, but not for long enough. I know now that I can't stay home this winter. I need my family more now than I ever have. I will need support soon, and I won't get it if I close myself up. So I'll take the days I've requested off and drive with my parents to Canada. While I'm there I'll pretend like everything is okay, and maybe I'll convince myself, too. Hell... maybe it will be. Who knows.
I'll keep my mouth shut on the ride there and back so as to avoid... well, to avoid talking. And I won't let there be any fighting. So what if my brother and I both want to drive- I won't push it, I'll have plenty of time for that later. I doubt we'll fight much, though- he'll be wrapped up in his girlfriend. If space is too tight once we pick them up, whatever. It'll only be a few hours until we reach Ottawa from Boston. I think the perks of seeing my cousins outweigh the downfall of the trip there. Also, I found out my Grandmother is only staying with us for a few weeks. If she's coming at the end of January then she's here with us through February. This means that by March she's back in Canada, safe from my irrational plans. No I won't be leaving before March; the 14th is the best day to go, it feels right for both of us, and I won't have to tell my parents before my Nonna comes after all. I feel a bit calmer about things. In simpler terms, I think I'll go this winter. Besides, it was the thought of being alone on Christmas that nearly made me sob over my Caramel Macchiatos and Peppermint Mochas.

Speaking of work, we're doing a secret santa. Guess who I got. That's right... the one guy who I find pretty spiffy. I'll be honest. I found out who had him and I traded. <<

What? That makes me a terrible person or something? I think it makes me human or some other excuse. Goway leme alone...

So I'm getting him custom guitar picks for his band... and a groovy new strap for his guitar... (maybe I'll keep that one- I'm already over the $25 budget anyway ; P). So that should be super. I really shouldn't do this to myself, especially with my impending move... *<--masochist*

Speaking of masochism... I had dinner with my parents tonight. It wasn't half bad honestly, not too many akward moments. My father didn't mention school or work at all, so that issue was avoided. He did, however, ask me a few days ago if I was still going to school. I did one of those uncomfortable scoffs as I was running upstairs and added an Of Course. I felt terrible. But then I'm one of those masochists who believes in self-preservation. Contradictory, I know, but the pain and the sorrow are only soothing when I inflict them upon myself, ergo guilt trips and anger from my father are NOT a nice thing ever at all in no way shape or form.

My GOD do I love this song! Anna Nalick has to be my favorite female singer... and Catalyst is amazingly similar to everything I'm feeling right now. That and Paper Bag... but that's a completely different topic.

Speaking of God, I lost it again. That feeling I had when I wrote that blog seemingly so long ago... I lost it and can't get it back. Eventually I'm sure that I'll find new inspiration and everything will make sense again- but the fact that the feeling comes and goes in of itself makes me doubt it all the more. Quite paradoxical...

Speaking of paper bags... I found some in the pantry. I think I should make puppets out of them like in Kindergarten.

Speaking of puppets, I feel like I am one. Everything I have to do and want to do and am currently doing is one more string. But all the strings are pulling me in different directions and I'm getting tangled into a jumbled puppet mess.

BREAK FREE!!

I will... I will. Just a few more months and I will fly, fly away to a neverland of my own where I never have to pretend or hide who I am.

Just try to make me grow up, I dare you.

And on that note, I've begun to write more, poetry that is. I'm working on another "words" poem which is no big surprise considering how I love them so.
Give me words, make them dance
make them sway, here's your chance
to make me fall, make me enthralled,
make them heard, give me words.
Give me words, make them fly... etc.
a work in progress. I started it in my head last night as I was trying to... Oh man! Last night SUCKED! It was terrible. I went to bed at midnight, not so bad for having to be up at 4:30. But I couldn't fall asleep. I lay there for all four and a half hours staring at the inside of my eyelids wishing to be unconscious. I tossed and turned, turned on and off various lights and sounds in my room, but all to no avail. Come four-thirty am my alarm rang out and my thoughts were a jumble of Fuck! and Finally! The strangest thing was that I was exhausted and I would start to drift off but would bounce back in almost a state of heart-racing panic similar to the panic of oh man I'm late for work... but without the oh man I'm late for work part. So work sucked because I was in a state of semi-consciousness all day. I hope it won't happen again tonight... : (

And that brings me to my last three points.
1. I wish I wrote better.
2. I can't wait for the next Dexter!!!
3. I have to go to bed now.

In closing, BBBBBBLLLLEEEAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH.