Will a rainbow break if it bends?

I had a blog planned out about the personification of curtains. It was going to be funny and cute and slightly poetic... or so I hoped. But my mood is no longer funny and cute. I'm at home- which is difficult at the moment. It's hard to stay here, but it's a roof over my head and I feel badly about relying so much on Malyssa's parents. They've been more than generous about lending me their spare bed...
Considering how hard it is to stay in the same house as my parents, I don't know if I'll be able to last two or three weeks with them in Canada- crammed into a car with them , then with Joseph and Jennifer for days on end. Don't get me wrong. I want to see my relatives with all my heart, but I'm afraid that I won't be in the spirit of things and feelings will be hurt more than anything. Of course, feelings will be hurt if I don't go as well... and I have to try to figure out whether they'll be hurt more or less than if I ride along. Staying there on my own is out. I can't afford a motel and I don't want to impose on my Grandmother. If I stay longer I will have to work at the local Starbucks. It's only two miles away so I figured I'd walk or buy a bike. I can deal with the weather thing. But I know my Nonna will be worried about me if I walk... and will be inconvenienced if she has to drive me. She'll feel obligated to take care of me although I don't need it, and it will put her out that I won't want it.
So if I go to Canada it is with everyone else. I'm back in the sardine can.
I don't think I can do it in the end. When I sit here and consider all of the options and reprocussions, I think it would be better for everyone if I just didn't go. I can always go later on in the year... it's not too expensive for a round-trip plane ticket, and I'm sure my family will be happy to put me up for a week or two, maybe Malyssa as well. Also the car will be less crowded, there will be fewer people to feed and house, considering a possible hotel stay or two. I understand that it is Christmas- and I am taking that into account. I think it will be better to keep my negative energy away from the spirit of the holidays this year... the last thing I want is to hurt anybody. In other, simpler words, I don't think I'm going to go.
This will be my first Christmas alone.
On the positive side it will give me more time to work so I'll be able to save more money by March... or maybe be able to leave in February instead? Just thought I'd throw that notion out there... even though I have been having reality checks lately. They're similar to second thoughts... without the threat of plan cancellation. I AM GOING. There is no doubt in my mind. The reality checks are more along the lines of Oh God I'm actually doing this.
The west coast is calling me. I hear it night and day... every minute I'm awake, sometimes even in my dreams. Have you ever wanted something so badly that you ached for it? I'm aching through and through, like I ache for air late at night when I wake up with a rock on my chest, like my stomach aches for nutrients after two or three days of marked-out bagels or croissants.
San Diego is my medicine, my nourishment, and I'm sick and hungry now.

My final dillema: Come the end of January, my Nonna is moving in with us. This means that when I leave later on, I'm not only leaving my parents, but her as well. This means infinite more guilt. This means I may have to tell my parents before my Nonna moves in so they can be more prepared to explain it to her and make excuses for me so she won't worry. This means I'll be telling my parents before the end of January... this means that, if I leave in March as planned, my parents will have more two months to make me feel like a terrible person for wanting to leave and break my poor grandmother's heart etc. etc.
This makes me want to leave in January... but that can't happen.
At least I'll have the luxury by staying home this winter, to be able to pick up and leave whenever I have to come February... be it when planned or before.
This makes things a bit difficult with Malyssa because I have to give her enough time to tell her parents, too. It may mean leaving my house and moving in with her for a while. But then her parents will hate me for putting the idea and means of leaving into their baby's hands.

GAH! Will I be hurting everyone by trying to do something I need to do?? Will I be dissapointing both of my families (for they are now as good as my family and I care for them as such)??

Now comes the fun part. Telling my parents I won't go on their little cruise come February, and I won't go on their road trip come Christmas.

Why does doing what I want hurt SO much? :' (